White Christmas

This was the first Christmas away from my parents and extended family. I think we did a great job filling that void. The house had the tree up the day after Thanksgiving (the day my mom left after visiting us). We had many gifts for the kids--we ordered the BEST toys through Pea Pie Baby, owned by my good friend Elizabeth. The kids love all the play food! I'm still working on Grace's Waldorf doll--maybe another week before it's done? Maybe I'll just hang onto it until valentine's day. Maybe not. . . .

Terry and I cooked and cleaned up the cooking all afternoon--ham, sweet and sour meatballs, sweet potato souffle, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, and homemade apple pies. It was delicious, and AJ actually consumed some vegetables over the course of the day. T spent most of his time peeling apples and slicing them. I tried to convince him that we needed an apple peeler/slicer/corer like one The Pampered Chef sells, and NOW he sees why!!!!!! But he did it mostly without complaint, to his credit.

It snowed and was just beautiful outside. We had the fire roaring in the fireplace and spent most of the day in the fireplace room. AJ was in his PJs until about 3pm. He doesn't like to put on new clothes. "Just leave me alone!" his attitude screams.

The children went to bed nicely, and we watched the last hour of Spiderman 3. Very festive, I know. :)

Today I convinced Terry to take a SPIN class with me at the gym. It felt good to burn off breakfast!! I promised Gracie a movie today--she wants to see Enchanted again. I'd like to take her to see Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, but she's pretty stuck on Enchanted, which she has ALREADY seen with Terry. Plus Mr. Magorium is at the cheap theater, since it came out around Thanksgiving. I suspect we're going to see  Enchanted.

"Lightweight Challenge"

My gym offered a "Lightweight Challenge", which involved taking 18 classes between Nov. 26 and Dec 22 and losing a pound by Dec 22. That equals 4.5 classes a week, and the incentive included a party today, a free raffle and a T-shirt.

I actually completed the 18 classes, lost 2 pounds, and was so proud of myself.I worked really really hard, and asked my husband to swing by there on our way to run errands so I could pick up my T-shirt. Keep in mind I'm a big girl--shirt size for me is XXL (women's 18).

So I get there, and all the shirts (Men's and Ladies') are Small, Medium or Large. I was among the first people to get there, so I'm sure that they didn't just run out. I KNOW I'm not the only bigger person who did the challenge, and I'm so insulted. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed.

I started to walk away, changed my mind and grabbed a Large ladies' tank. I figured I earned it, whether it fit or not. I felt like they assumed bigger people couldn't do that many classes. I got in the van and cried. I'm trying to figure out if there's a way to add some extra panels in at the sides--it's just a basic black tank with the Gold's Gym logo on the front. So some black panels on the side might work, if I can figure it out. . . .

Anyways. I don't even really want to go back there right now. I was pissy and dh asked this afternoon if I wanted to go work out and he'd watch the kids. No thanks. Why would I want to go back there????

 I decided to email a letter. Here's what I wrote:

"I was very disappointed in the 'Biggest Lightweight' challenge. I worked very hard to attend all 18 classes and lose some weight. I recognize that the weight loss is truly the ultimate goal. But I was so excited about earning a T-shirt. I went out of my way to arrive on time for the party today and celebrate. I felt disappointed, insulted and ashamed when I went to get a T-shirt and you had only ordered sizes Small, Medium and Large. I am full figured, and require at least a XXL. I sorted through both the ladies' and men's shirts. I felt as if Gold's Gym had decided that big people could not possibly complete the challenge. I was in tears as I left, extremely embarrassed and ashamed of my size. I am reluctant to return now, feeling that I am being judged because of weight. What should have been a day for me to be proud of my hard work turned into a day of shame regarding my plus size. I feel an apology and a shirt is in order for those of us (I certainly am not the only plus-sized person who participated in the challenge) who were excluded today. "

Jesus

The other day, I was making breakfast when Grace and I heard AJ start to wake up. I was making French  toast and was covered in raw egg at the moment, so decided to finish making breakfast before I rescued AJ from his room. Grace disappeared and all was quiet. I finished my task, and went downstairs to get AJ. I found Grace in his room, also. He sleeps with his door open, and a baby gate across the doorway. Grace said she had tried to help him out, but couldn't. So instead, she climbed in with him.

Isn't that exactly how Jesus works?? Not that he CANT help us out of sticky situations, but often, it's up to us to work out logistics of problems. Jesus climbs in and sits with us in our messy places--in our brokenness--and comforts us.

Theology

It's been quite a while since I've seriously read any decent theology books. I started asking Christians--like my pastors at church and friends online--who their favorites are.

 My friend Scott loaned me a book by his favorite, N.T. Wright. I've been reading slowly (rather than speedily, as is my custom, and missing half of the important stuff) and so far, I quite like it. He's setting the case for studying the Historical Jesus, in the 1st Century context during which Jesus lived, so that we can better understand how to interact as Christians in today's world. . . .

Recipe for a Merry Christmas

Recipe for a Merry Christmas:

Take the crisp cold of a December night, add two generous parts of snow, stir in air so clear it tinkles.

Into a generous heart, mix the wonder of a little girl, the sparkle of a young boy's glance, the love of parents, and set gently before the chimney side.

Add the lightest touch of a reindeer's hooves, a sprig of holly, a scent of fir.

Set the mixture to rise in the warmth of a dream of good will to men.

It will be almost ready to serve when it bubbles with warmth and good feeling.

Bedeck with the light of a star set in the East, garnish with shining balls of gold, silver, and red.

Serve to the tune of an ancient carol in the middle of the family table.

(I received this from my friend Mike at Mikey's Funnies.

It's my birthday.

I cried today. Just feeling homesick. My dad left a message on the machine, and he never calls. So that was nice. My sister called, who also never does that. She said she thought about calling at midnight last night, but decided I wouldn't appreciate it. :) My friends called--Tracy, and then Carin.  And then my mom wanted to see how the day had gone. I used to go to Charley's Steakhouse off OBT in Orlando for my birthday. My parents always babysat for the kids, so I'd see them, too. Usually my girl-friends would celebrate with me over the weekend, too. No one in Utah even knows its my birthday. Except for our friends Scott and Melanie--who facebooked me a nice message. It's so stupid to cry over this. But I feel so homesick right now. I just want to go HOME.

Terry woke me before he left for work to wish me a great day. My mom called at the crack of dawn (7am) as usual, (since college) to sing Happy Birthday to me. I crawled back to bed. I took the kids to Target to get their annual Christmas pic taken. Then I made it to the gym for cycling class--I'm up to #12. I have 6 more classes to get to before Dec 23 so I can get a T-shirt. And 1/2 lb to go, too. :) Called the mortgage company to discuss short-saleing the house. Good news there. Took the kids to McD's as a reward for being quiet while I was on the phone. They had Icecream cones and choc. chip cookies. I had a chicken salad. It started snowing, so I had a perilous drive home up the hill on our street.

Made it inside, heard all the well-wishers on the answering machine and lost it. I know that we are in Utah for a reason. I believe that our family has been called to help light the darkness here. I believe that my family is growing spiritually as a result of our move. But man, I miss Florida.

I hate

that my kids are catching every virus known to man since we moved to Utah.

 Grace threw up last night over a dozen times --about every 45 minutes--from 8pm to 6sam. She had to miss her dance recital today, and now she's borderline dehydrated. If she still hasn't urinated by 10pm tonight, we have to take her to the ER for IV fluids. UGH  She's chosen to go to bed now, and I've been giving her Gatorade and popsicles. Apparently this kind of virus (AJ had it first, but much more mild) ebbs and flows--the nausea disappears for a day and then comes back. So if she's not hydrated by the time it comes back, she could really be in danger. :( I hate to see her so meek and mild. That's not like her at all. :(

Nice day!

Well, AJ threw up all afternoon yesterday. Poor guy. He was up early (yes, 7am is early for us) and instead of putting him back to bed, I decided that most people start their day at 7 and I could suck it up. I got so much done! I took care of AJ, got some sewing done, and am halfway through making Grace's Waldorf Doll for Christmas. (go toDancing Rain Dolls to see some of the beautiful creations!)

We stayed in today, so I didn't get a work out class in--so much for this week. I have to go every day next week to get all 18 classes in before the 22nd! Anyways, I sewed and read books and played cards with Grace and the kids were AWESOME. AJ took a loooooong nap, of course, while G and I made cookies. I had the kids bathed (AJ woke up with a rash, so that's not good. . . but the bath seemed to help significantly) by the time Terry came home and I headed out for my cookie exchange party!

I came home late and Terry said that the House Fairy needed to visit Grace, as that's the best she's gone to bed in a long time. And apparently Eve was naughty and put herself in time out in the crate. LOL silly dog.

Recent visitors

We were visited today by some LDS missionaries. My heart breaks for them. They are so misguided--I can't imagine feeling so burdened by good works and not being able to express doubt. These young men were kind, earnest and intelligent. Just completely misguided.

My pastor said that often it takes 15 years for a mormon to leave the church--seeds can be planted by kind Christians when they're "missionaries" and then years later help them leave.

PLEASE please please pray for them. I feel so sad for the LDS members. The missionaries are coming back next week, and I hope that something I say will stick with them.

Our prayer has been that since we're stuck in Utah, God will not just help us to survive here but that we will help be a light in this spiritually dark place. We want to be a catalyst to lead people to Jesus Christ.

They call themselves Christians. BUT--I found a Christian website that ministers to Mormons and they had much information for those of us who are a bit unfamiliar with them. It's Lighthouse Ministries

Here's what they say regarding Mormons being just another Protestant Christian denomination:

"No, the Mormon Church does not claim to be Protestant. It claims to be a divine restoration of Christ's true church. It therefore rejects the validity of any other church. Its basic beliefs place it outside the standard doctrines of Christianity. Mormonism teaches that the God to whom they pray is but one of a whole series of gods who at one time were mortal then progressed to godhood. The LDS Church teaches that their Heavenly Father was once born as a spirit child of a god and wife who ruled a different world. After maturing as a spirit being he was sent to another world where he was born as a human. There he grew to maturity, married, died, was resurrected, went to heaven, progressed and eventually became the God of our world. He and his resurrected wife continue to have spirit children born to them in their heavenly realm. The Mormon man, accompanied by his wife, who is faithful to his religion, pays his tithe, attends the LDS temple rituals, etc. is hoping to eventually progress to become a god of another world, just like his Heavenly Father did. "

Staci's note: Many members of LDS will claim that they do not intend to become "gods" and will say that they just want to be "like God, in much the same way you want your children to be like or better than yourself." Just be aware that they tend to twist things!!!

Master's degrees

Terry's going for his second Master's degree--this time, in systems engineering. I've encouraged him to go for it, and he was accepted into Southern Methodist University.

I want a Master's degree, too. I don't know in what field. I didn't exactly set the world on fire in college. I'd like to re-do it. It's not like I was incapable. I Just didn't bother to apply myself. I don't know if I'd even get in to a Master's program. And if I did, in what fields am I interested? I'd have to commit to a full time job upon graduating to justify the expense of a Master's degree. And maybe I don't want to do that. Maybe I want more children. I can't put a baby in daycare. I just can't. Maybe I don't want more children, maybe I want to care for the ones I have. Maybe I'd get a Master's degree and then be unable to find a job in the field for which I discovered a passion. Maybe I'd hate what I thought I'd love. I love learning, and I"m good at it, as a professor pointed out. I'm just not good at settling upon a course of study--or committing long term to anything except my husband and children, and perhaps the dogs.

I'm stuck in fricking Utah and a bit bored and a bit unsettled, missing my old life--but my old life was pretty much the same as this life, except we swam every day in our pool instead of walking in snow. Same insecurities, same questions, same lack of direction.

Sad. . .

Terry and I have been reading a book called "Out of Mormonism". It's about a woman and her family (true story) who convert to LDS, are temple-worthy members for 7 years and then re-discover Jesus Christ and become evangelical Christians.

Her recollections regarding temple practices and beliefs about Lucifer being Jesus' brother are horrifying, and incredibly saddening to us. We hope to find more information about how to respond to the Mormon community. We don't want to just exist here, we want to be a light in this present darkness.

I don't want to go to Heaven.

"I just want to go to Florida."--Grace, talking with her daycare teacher when she was protesting naptime last Friday.

My little girl is homesick. She strikes me as so vulnerable all of a sudden. In Florida, she was very confident and there was nothing she and her best friend, Alexis, couldn't conquer together. She's more serious now, more emotional.

In dance class today, her bow came partway out of her hair. She tried to communicate that to her teacher, but apparently was misunderstood. She just cried harder, and I was on the other floor checking AJ in the gym nursery. By the time I got back upstairs, she was sobbing hysterically. I pulled her out of the class (at the teacher's suggestions) and fixed her bow. She went back in, danced, and then the stupid bow fell again. So I tucked the bow in my pocket. She was sniffling but okay.

Then Terry arrived (unbeknownst to Grace) and watched her dance next to the teacher (all the other girls were in line facing G and the teacher). The teacher all of a sudden motioned Grace away, and Grace crumpled to the floor, sobbing. I walked in to get her, but the teacher motioned me away. Fine. She told Grace that when the music is on, she cannot hear Grace and Grace must wait until the music stops. Grace just sat on the floor, curled in a ball, with her head in her hands, sniffling and crying. It broke my heart to see her like that. I suspect it was extra difficult to pull it together with 8 little girls all lined up watching her cry. I wish she had been able to go to the back of the room or outside the class until she could calm herself. The teacher told me afterwards that she wanted the girls to understand that she is in control. I understand that. I do think that the teacher could have repositioned Grace or suggested an alternative than sitting in front of the room with everyone staring at her.

On the way downstairs, Grace commented that Ms. Natalie was "mean". I asked her why she thought so. Grace said, "I didn't know that I can't talk to her when the music is playing."

I replied, "Do you understand that now?", trying to debrief her on an emotionally difficult time. I wanted to point out that it's okay, and it's good she knows the rules now so she won't have to go through that again.

Instead, Terry cut me off. He told me I was lecturing her and to just give her a break?!?! She didn't need to rehash it and I should let it go. She brought it up, and I was supporting her. I felt like I was suckerpunched. I know it was hard for him to watch her like that, I know he wanted to rescue her. So did I. But I also wanted her to have a better understanding of what was going on so that she could feel good about going back in 2 weeks (not next week due to Thanksgiving).

I feel so alone sometimes.

Nap time.

I convinced my daughter to nap today. Every Tues. night is Bible study at our friends' house, and Grace is so bratty past 700pm. Bible Study STARTS at 7:00pm. So we got home from the park (See previous post) and AJ played in the yard, on his bike, in the rain. Silly boy. We fingerpainted inside and AJ had a hard time wrapping his mind around what to actually do. He decided it would be much better to wash his hands and then brush his teeth. Whatever. Then he went in his room for a nap.

I discovered crayon on the back of Grace's door and gave her a cloth and sprayed some bleach and made her scrub it off. I thought it was "restitution" and a form of discipline, but it turns out she likes to clean things. She begged for more cleaning. So she cleaned all the doors and windowsills on the main floor. Then she went outside and picked up all the leaves on the sidewalk and driveway and put them back in the grass. Then she cleaned her room and put all the books away on the bookshelf.

Meanwhile AJ was playing with his trains in his room. And legos, from the sound of things.

Grace finally agreed to lay down for a little bit when I mentioned that the House Fairy wanted to reward all her hard work. She had a bit o'ice cream in bed (I'm a pushover) and now is sleeping peacefully.

AJ's still up. 2.5 hours later. At least he's gated in. I'm working on a hat to go with the matching baby kimono during this downtime.

Going nuts.

The kiddos are driving me NUTS. Grace has been irresponsible with our DVD collection, and leaves DVDs out of the case on the floor. Imagine her surprise when her favorite, "All Dogs Go to Heaven," is skipping in several places. Then she starts screaming, b/c she just can't bear it. Then she pushes AJ, who starts screaming. Then the two dogs start playing with each other, knocking everyone over in the process.

 Today is not a knitting day. We're packing up and going to the park to feed the ducks and the swans. We need some nature. My favorite author, Anne Lamott, says that she was advised, "God is in creation and that if we want to be closer to God, we should get outdoors as much as possible".

 It makes sense to me. And I really need a God-dose today.

Kimono -part 2

Well, the yarn was bulky (no label, so I guessed it was worsted weight) and I needed worsted weight. So I had to buy 2 more skeins of yarn, but they're self-striping and oh-so cute. I didn't finish it in time for the baby shower, but I gave my friend a card and told her it was in the process. . . and she had already seen the yarn and commented on how pretty it was at Bible study so I knew she'd be okay with that. I finished the knitting part, now am sewing the seams. They're trickier and taking longer than I anticipated, but I really want this to turn out nice.

Baby Kimono

I'm knitting a baby kimono for my friend's shower this weekend. I thought one skein would be *just* enough, and I had the cutest color that I got out of the bargain bin with no label. So of course I'm not going to have enough, now that I'm about 40% of the way finished. I can't start all over--no time. I'm going to have to add solid color panels that coordinate, I think. It's time for a trip to the LYS!

Daylight Savings

Apparently my children did not receive the memo about Daylight Savings.

Prayers

Terry missed church Sunday because AJ had been throwing up all Saturday night, and Terry opted to stay home, since he didn't know the Sunday School lesson.

We were talking at dinner last night and I was recapping Pastor Brian's sermon for him. It turns out he's been praying for patience. So between the two of us, I think we're just screwed.

How long?

Yesterday in church our pastor touched on something that I've suspected for a while. We're studying the book of Habakkuk, and learning how to pray during hard times. The first lesson is: Express yourself. Don't be afraid to complain. God already knows, so you're just being honest and authentic with God.

We also learned that God doesn't always answer prayer the way we'd like, expect or hope. When I was a camp counselor, I heard a pastor say, "God ALWAYS answers prayer. Sometimes it's yes, sometimes it's no, and sometime's, it's WAIT." Waiting sucks, to be sure.

Anyhow, during yesterday's sermon, our pastor cautioned us, "Never pray for patience!" :) Meaning that God's way of building our character is to make us "earn" those attributes and work for them. Typically you don't wake up one day with a huge amount of patience. You learn patience by dealing with trying situations.

I've been suspecting that with regards to finances, God works the same way. I've been praying that God will make me more responsible with money, and will help relieve our financial burdens. I had hoped that would mean winning the lottery or inheriting a large sum of money from some study I didn't know about or making my crafty business a huge overnight success.

Instead, we have the added pressure of losing money on our rental home that we can't sell b/c the market in FL sucks. Then the a/c in the rental home isn't running efficiently and the tenants are displeased--there goes over $4000 at last count. Then I broke our dining room table glass cleaning it this morning. What's next, God?? Huh?? I'm so frustrated. I'm a bookaholic, and instead of buying books (I can't remember a month ever going by where we didn't spend at least $50 on books) I've been using the library. I haven't had a haircut and highlight since May. I haven't bought new clothes for self, and the kids are wearing handme downs and consignment shop bargains. I'm sewing. We cloth diaper. We don't have cable or satellite television--just DVDs we already own and we subscribe (for $12/month) to blockbuster online. We are renting a home currently because we don't want additional expenses of home renovation/plumbing problems/etc. I haven't been to the optometrist yet to get more contacts so I'm stretching out the ones I have as long as I can. So is Terry.

We're not eating out nearly as much. Cereal, oatmeal or pancakes for breakfast, spaghetti or grilled cheese for lunch, and a homemade dinner. I'm baking bread in the bread machine (bought years ago at a garage sale for $5) instead of buying loaves. I'm simplifying, Dammit! I AM!!!  We had hoped when we moved to Utah that we'd be able to fly back to FL every few months. Many unforeseen expenses have popped up alone the way, and I just don't think it's EVER going to happen now.

And we're still losing money every month!! How long can this go on? Our savings is dwindling and I Feel so hopeless. How long, Lord? How long will be too long???

Sunday School

I teach jr. high Sunday School at our church. Most people look at me with awe and say, "you VOLUNTEER to teach teenagers?"  Yep, I sure do. Jr. highers are so funny, and so open to new ideas. They're not stuck in trying to be uber mature, like sr. highers and they're ready for some higher levels of thinking, unlike their elementary school counterparts.

Well, I had a lesson planned out for today. It was pretty good, IMHO. But last night (amid AJ throwing up several times!) I dreamed about a completely different lesson. Different method, different topic. So I went with it. Was it God? Or was it my subconscious? Who knows? But I really do feel like God led me to teach this lesson. I had the students number a piece of paper and write:

1) The number of Bible verses they have memorized

2) The number of hours they spend helping others and participating in local missions every week

3) The number of people they have brought to faith in Jesus Christ as personal Savior.

Then they drew a line separating number 3 from 4 and continued with:

4) The number of times they sinned this week

5) Did you honor your parents all the time?

6) What's the worst thing you've ever done?

Things were pretty quiet at this point and I was afraid I had scared the new guy away!

We talked about earning our way into heaven and feeling completely hopeless about our behavior.

THEN

We looked up Bible verses pertaining to being saved by faith: John 3:16, Philippians (I'll come back later with specifics!), Romans 8:1-2, etc.

We talked about being saved by faith and grace. There is a different religion in our midst that requires one to complete good works in order to make it into heaven, and I think the teens really needed to hear that Jesus died for their salvation--that they were created because God loves us. They needed to hear that the Bible teaches that all who believe in Jesus and accept him as Lord are saved!

Then we discussed loving God with all our hearts, and how out of that love comes a natural desire to please Him with our actions.

I was really pleased with the students' comments and questions, and I DO believe that I was led to teach that this morning.

What a morning.

It's 10am and the kitchen floor is covered in oatmeal. My shirt is covered in oatmeal and AJ's blue longies are covered in oatmeal (thankfully his pants have white flecks thru them, so it looks ok!). My glasses have oatmeal on them. The dogs have been eating oatmeal. AJ's shirt has oatmeal all over it. It's an oatmeal day, I guess. AJ refused to sit in his high chair, choosing instead to sit at the table, as has been his custom for the past week. He couldn't see over the top of the bowl and accidentally spilled some oatmeal. He was frustrated and dumped the bowl upside down on the table. I scooped the oatmeal back into the bowl. Finally I put him on my lap to eat. Hence oatmeal all over me.

Meanwhile, Grace is whining, "I want more oatmeal. I want more oatmeal." There isn't any. She'll just have to wait.

Cults

This is a website I found that is written by Christians explaining cults and other religions:Let Us Reason . It's very interesting, and I think it's necessary to know, when surrounded by something very different than Christianity, from where the "other" is coming.

Harvest Party

Our church had its first-ever Harvest Party in our brand new building last night! I coordinated games and a friend coordinated the chili cook off. We were hoping for about 50 people if we were lucky. We ended up with OVER 300 people!!!  It was amazing. The games for children went extremely well--they were simple, like bobbing for apples and rolling gourds to knock over pins, and throwing hoops over pumpkins. Our pastor played guitar on the hayride, driven by our other pastor, and we had horses to pet and a Team Extreme show (men who bent metal with their teeth, crushed soda cans on elbows, ripped phone books in half, etc.). It was so fun! I really enjoyed it.

 Then--a volunteer commented that SHE could have done much more with the games. She does carnival-style games all the time. And HER husband's a DJ. He could have DJ'd for us. Plus bobbing for apples is horrible--there's some evil pagan ritual associated with it. I started to feel defensive and ended up just thanking her for volunteering to help.

As I thought about her comments, I realized some things. First, she may have been able to jazz up the games. She may have been able to coordinate everything. But she didn't. She didn't volunteer and pour all the work in to this event. She didn't tell us that her husband would volunteer his DJ services. Second, perhaps she's looking to feel needed. She needed to feel superior and judgmental, and I'm sorry for her. Thirdly, we had a VERY limited budget of less than $100 and we had a time frame of less than two months to pull this together. And did  I mention we just moved to Utah 4 months ago? I hate when people just assume we know their talents.

However, in all, we truly could not have asked for a better evening.

Hide and Seek

I just have to share: AJ is the cutest boy ever. It's hard to believe that he's 2 already! Where has the time gone?? It seems just yesterday that I was devastated to learn that I was 17wks pregnant!!

I was "searching" for him today and heard hysterical giggles coming from his room. I opened the door and asked, "Is AJ in the closet?" He replied, giggling, "NO!" 

So I asked, "Is AJ on the changing Table?" Again, giggling and "NO!"

Then I asked, "Is AJ in his bed?" Hysterical giggling commenced.

It was sooooo funny--he had his blanket over just his head, with his shoulders, butt and feet completely uncovered. He just KNEW that if he couldn't see me, I couldn't see him!!!  I laughed so hard with him!

The hat solution

I went to the knitting group last night. I really enjoy it. The ladies are working on such a variety of projects, and I even bought some sock yarn to work on a pair!

AND I found a solution to the teal hat problem. I took a skein of silvery gray mohair and combined it with the teal and it turned out really well. So now the hat is teal, black and an icier version of the original teal. I like it. And that's good, because I used worsted weight yarn and the hat fits me! Here's Grace in it.

Color

I'm knitting a hat for AJ. I thought i was going to use the same yarn I knit his pants out of (dark blue w/white flecks), and then decided to use a teal color because I have so much teal and no ideas for it. Teal does not go with the midnight blue. It looks dumb. So now I'm looking at a completely different hat than I pictured! And I dread frogging it now b/c it's partway complete.

I think my solution is to save the hat and pick more flattering colors to go with teal. Then I can just start a new hat with my original design.

this is what makes me a perfectionist--that hat has been glaring at me for 24 hours, daring me, "Whatcha gonna do about me?"

I'm so glad I have a plan. You know what they say, "proper planning prevents piss-poor performance." I heard that in my Bible study and it has stuck in my mind!

Deceived

I feel sick to my stomach.

 I've always listened to Christian contemporary music. In Florida, we had a great station that I loved listening to. The mission statement was clear and it was uplifting to hear reminders of Christ's love for me.

In Utah, I found a station that also plays CCM. I was so excited! For 3 months I've been listening, and noticed that they support "local artists." A few days ago, I caught a commercial that referenced www.lds.org. I started to become suspicious. But they play Michael W. Smith! Steven Curtis Chapman! Point of Grace! How could they NOT be Christian?

I investigated the website, and their mission statement is extremely vague. I found comments and Christians were writing in about how excited they were to find a CCM station and how neat that their Mormon neighbors listen to it, too! What a great way to evangelize! Right? Next to the Christians were folks writing in thanking the station for playing LDS music. WHAT???

Then I went through the playlist of the last 30 songs. Liberally sprinkled amongst the well known CCM artists were artists I had never heard of. I began googling them, and, YEP, they're all LDS artists.

 I've been exposing my children to this in my car every time we drive somewhere. I feel greatly deceived. And who is the Great Deceiver? Not Jesus, that's for sure.

The LDS consider themselves Christians. How can Christians believe that there are spirits hanging around waiting for bodies? How can Christians believe that Jesus reached the same great spiritual state that we can all eventually reach, if we try hard enough? How can Christians downplay Christ's DEATH on the Cross because it's too negative? How can Christians not be allowed to discuss doubts with each other? How can Christians listen to some "angel" present a "new" gospel?????  (or is it demon?Look at Galatians 1: But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned! As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel to other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned! )

There is a nationwide station, KLOVE, that we also listen to, but reception isn't always very good. From now on, I will be playing KLOVe or CDs.  I'm so upset about this. I could just throw up.

Exercising

It's taken a move to Utah to convince me that I'm not runner, never have been and never will be. I've been married to Terry for 7 years, and all this time I've been very envious of his running ability. I've bought the clothes, the jogging bra, the $$$ running shoes and I just end up bored, hurting and frustrated, even from walking. I hate walking. I hate running. I basically screw over myself saying, "This hurts. I hate this. I'm bored. I have a stitch in my side. I don't think I can breathe anymore. Do I have asthma? My heart's going to beat out of my chest. My ankle hurts. My knee hurts. My toe's bothering me. Should I swing my arms? Are we there yet? Oh, good time to turn around. Oh no, I"m only halfway there." And that's just the quarter of the mile to the 7-11 to buy a Slurpee!

We had a pool in Florida. Except all I could do was swim with AJ or Grace on my back and I couldn't do laps because someone could drown while I was inattentive. So I'd just sit on the california ledge and watch the kiddos swim.

Now we have a gym membership and someone else watches my kids for 2 hours in the morning, 2 hours in the evening (if I'm ambitious!) while I exercise. *GROAN* I have totally set myself up to hate exercise. So I usually bike for at least 30 minutes, preferably when Friends reruns are on. We don't have cable or satellite at home, just a DVD player. So it's a treat to watch TV and I don't even notice I'm working for it! :)

Then I go to the pool. The water is perfectly temped at about 80 degrees. I can do laps for about 30 minutes, and I don't feel in pain, I don't feel disgruntled and in fact, I rather enjoy it. Swimming is second nature to me, having grown up in Florida. My muscles sing as my arms pull me through the water and my legs propel me. It's excellent therapy for my poor knees and I find I can concentrate on my strokes and sometimes, my mind is freed to pray and work through problems in my life. The 1-2-3-4-5- count as I crawl is soothing to me and oddly liberating. I emerge from the water victorious. I have no idea how many laps I have done, but I know that not only is my body stronger, but also my mind and spirit are renewed.

Unless, of course, people gradually leave the pool leaving me alone with my imagination. As soon as the last person exits, a great white shark seems to appear in the 5' deep end of the pool waiting for me. Then I get out and stew in the hot tub.

Jubilee

Jubilee is an important concept to me. It's a state of being, a consistent joy that is ever present personally. Wikipedia defines it as: "Jubilee is a historical term for a time of celebration or rejoicing. It is defined in Leviticus 25:9 as "Yoval" in Hebrew, as the sabbatical year after seven cycles of seven years."  '

 But it's so much more. The Bible defines jubilee in the Old Testament book of Leviticus (25) as a time when, every 49 years, all debts are forgiven; each person is returned to his/her original land and family clan and slaves are emancipated; it's a year when the land is intended to rest and only food that is taken directly from the fields should be eaten. So all property is ultimately redeemable, in the year of Jubilee.

 It's a time of refreshment, of reminiscing, of enjoying what God has provided without wheeling and dealing and haggling.

It's such a great concept. To me, it's about redemption. My soul needs that jubilee so much! God is the ultimate redeemer, and I know that some day, in the year of my jubilee, hopefully after a long, love-filled, full life, I will be finally HOME. I think Christians need more joy. Not happiness--which is based upon external circumstances. Joy comes from knowing that we have a Savior who loves us and we have a permanent home waiting for us. We are gifted with little bits of grace every day and our God is the most joyous being in the universe. Shouldn't we be sharing this with everyone we meet?