I had a dear friend in college. We had grown apart a little bit over the years, but still managed to email or chat or meet up once in a while. We met for brunch on Mother's Day last year and chatted and caught up with everything new that had been going on in our lives. My friend casually mentioned that she, her husband, and their soon to be born baby would be in Utah in January for Sundance, visiting another friend. We talked about getting together. . . .
I never heard another word from this friend. Sundance came and went, and I saw on her myspace page that she was indeed in Utah, 45 minutes away from me. I was so very hurt. I still am. And yet--we've had friends visit us that I never in a million years would have expected to stay close. You just never can tell, can you?
Friday, February 29, 2008
Storytelling Festival
I took Grace to an amazing festival--the Weber State University Storytelling Festival. She sat very nicely on Wednesday evening as we heard all 4 storytellers each tell 2 stories. When it was over, she said that she would like to be a storyteller when she grows up. Her very favorite story was "Baby Hawk Learns to Fly," told by Bobby Norfolk. We bought his CD and she's listened to it many times in two days--calling it "Cuckoo Bird" or "Baby Bird" or "Little Bird" instead of "Baby Hawk." He also retells the story on CD of "Why Mosquitoes Buzz in People's Ears", which was one of my favorite stories. I had the privilege of meeting the author of that book, Verna Aardema, when I was Grace's age. It's been fun to hear him tell the story with all the different registers of his voice.
I don't know that I can pick a favorite from the evening. Each storyteller was so different in form, voice and story. I've been listening to Elizabeth Ellis' cd, "Mothers and Daughters," and been very touched. She has so much wisdom.
Dovie Thomason, a Native American, had beautiful stories also. One story talked about a young boy whose parents died, and so he went to live with an "uncle." No one knew it but the uncle had a "crooked mind" and was cruel to the boy. As she began to talk about this, I became nervous that it would be inappropriate for Grace. Of course, it wasn't--and I'm glad we stayed to hear the story. Afterwards, she said that she saw people get nervous in the audience and pull their children closer to them. She wanted to go around and tell us all, "It will be all right. I promise." But of course, we had to sit and stay until the story was finished to find out how everything was resolved. Dovie said that children already know about darker things in life, and then she shared with me something someone told her: "We don't tell fairy tales to teach children about dragons. We tell fairy tales to teach them that dragons can be defeated." I love that.
And of course, Willy Claflin. What can I say? He was very funny, and the voices he does with his Maynard Moose puppet were amazing. He has a very funny story called "I Hate Music." I highly recommend it.
I spent way too much money on CDs and books, but I am determined to be a storyteller for my children. My daughter called it "Story Giving." I think that's the perfect name. I want my children to hear my stories, fairy tales, funny stories, Bible "stories", stories about long ago, and I want them to learn to tell their own. What is life without stories?
I don't know that I can pick a favorite from the evening. Each storyteller was so different in form, voice and story. I've been listening to Elizabeth Ellis' cd, "Mothers and Daughters," and been very touched. She has so much wisdom.
Dovie Thomason, a Native American, had beautiful stories also. One story talked about a young boy whose parents died, and so he went to live with an "uncle." No one knew it but the uncle had a "crooked mind" and was cruel to the boy. As she began to talk about this, I became nervous that it would be inappropriate for Grace. Of course, it wasn't--and I'm glad we stayed to hear the story. Afterwards, she said that she saw people get nervous in the audience and pull their children closer to them. She wanted to go around and tell us all, "It will be all right. I promise." But of course, we had to sit and stay until the story was finished to find out how everything was resolved. Dovie said that children already know about darker things in life, and then she shared with me something someone told her: "We don't tell fairy tales to teach children about dragons. We tell fairy tales to teach them that dragons can be defeated." I love that.
And of course, Willy Claflin. What can I say? He was very funny, and the voices he does with his Maynard Moose puppet were amazing. He has a very funny story called "I Hate Music." I highly recommend it.
I spent way too much money on CDs and books, but I am determined to be a storyteller for my children. My daughter called it "Story Giving." I think that's the perfect name. I want my children to hear my stories, fairy tales, funny stories, Bible "stories", stories about long ago, and I want them to learn to tell their own. What is life without stories?
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Depression
Depression is at the door, I think. It's knocking. And I'm trying not to answer. It's relentless, never ceasing in its constant calling to me. It pounds viciously on the doors and rattles the windows of my spirit like a thief in the night. It feeds upon loneliness, unhealthy habits and fatigue. It makes me edgy, questions my decisions and mocks me in my failures. It makes me weepy and selfish and impatient. Depression's goal is to rape my spirit of all self worth and joy. It tries to cram hopelessness down my throat, and it tells me that my God can never allow me in His perfect presence.
I seek refuge, but have lost my center. Where is my Rock of Ages? Where is the shadow of God's wing? How can I claim "Sanctuary" when my sanctuary has been defiled by the abuse of my stalker?
So I do what I can. I pray, asking God to wash me clean and purge this intruder from my spirit. I SPIN, pedalling away faster and faster from this demon hunting me. I look my failure in the face and tell it, "You do not define me." I take refuge in my motherhood, and bask in the presence of my beloved children. I send a letter to my sister at college. I prepare dinner for my husband, knowing that he will need nourishment after a long day of work, and hoping that he can provide comfort after the children are settled. I listen to Christian music, which transports me to specific events and moments and feelings in my life. I call my pastor for a referral to a Christian counselor. Every step I take adds a defense against this intruder. First I turn the lock on the door. Then I lock the windows. I add curtains over the windows. My alarm system is installed, and soon God hears. Soon my Lord will come rescue me--He will chase my unwanted guest from the perimeter of my spirit, and send it back to Hell. I will wait upon the Lord. He will come.
I seek refuge, but have lost my center. Where is my Rock of Ages? Where is the shadow of God's wing? How can I claim "Sanctuary" when my sanctuary has been defiled by the abuse of my stalker?
So I do what I can. I pray, asking God to wash me clean and purge this intruder from my spirit. I SPIN, pedalling away faster and faster from this demon hunting me. I look my failure in the face and tell it, "You do not define me." I take refuge in my motherhood, and bask in the presence of my beloved children. I send a letter to my sister at college. I prepare dinner for my husband, knowing that he will need nourishment after a long day of work, and hoping that he can provide comfort after the children are settled. I listen to Christian music, which transports me to specific events and moments and feelings in my life. I call my pastor for a referral to a Christian counselor. Every step I take adds a defense against this intruder. First I turn the lock on the door. Then I lock the windows. I add curtains over the windows. My alarm system is installed, and soon God hears. Soon my Lord will come rescue me--He will chase my unwanted guest from the perimeter of my spirit, and send it back to Hell. I will wait upon the Lord. He will come.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
okay
The audition was two days ago and I'm still upset about it. It's so ridiculous. The fact is that I did everything I could. It's so hard to fail. I'm not used to failing at things I truly work for. It's a very humbling experience.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Auditioning
I'm a nervous wreck at auditions and competitions. I did not do well yesterday. I'm so disappointed in myself. It's been so long since I played for an audience. I was shaking, tripped over my own stupid feet, and then couldn't hear myself play at all b/c the amp was turned down too low when the band played together. :(
I know I gave it my best shot, but I also know that I could have played much better if I hadn't been so freaking nervous! I have experience, technical education, and theory knowledge. I had forgotten how nerve-wracking it can be and felt completely unprepared. Why didn't I do my labor deep breathing? I didn't even think about it.
I'm so sad. I know I completely bombed that audition. :( I'm afraid I'm going to get stuck on MediaShout.
I know I gave it my best shot, but I also know that I could have played much better if I hadn't been so freaking nervous! I have experience, technical education, and theory knowledge. I had forgotten how nerve-wracking it can be and felt completely unprepared. Why didn't I do my labor deep breathing? I didn't even think about it.
I'm so sad. I know I completely bombed that audition. :( I'm afraid I'm going to get stuck on MediaShout.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
ICAN's new site!
ReleaseAdvocacy Group Unveils New Web site
Site features easy navigation, community resources
REDONDO BEACH, CA, February 7, 2008 - The International Cesarean Awareness Network launches a new, user-friendly Web site today in an effort to further the group's outreach efforts.
"The new Web site will make an impact in the battle against the growing cesarean statistics by providing information to moms, challenging them to take responsibility for their births and providing a safe community for moms to heal" ICAN President Pam Udy said. "This will give women the tools they need to make educated decisions about their births - because this isn't about statistics. It's about every mom and every baby getting the safest birth possible."
Easy navigation is a key feature of this Web site, which has been in the works since July when ICAN Board Members recognized the need for a more user-friendly Web site. (The Web site can be found at www.ican-online.org)
Site viewers will find information separated into five categories:
Pregnancy, Recovery, VBAC, Advocacy and Community.
"In our daily advocacy work, we saw a clear mandate for a site that was simple to navigate, simple to understand and full of easy-to-access information for the woman avoiding a cesarean, recovering from a cesarean or on her journey to VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean)," Laureen Hudson, ICAN Publications Director said. "ICAN interacts with women on very different journeys -- the messages a pregnant woman needs to hear to avoid a cesarean are not the same messages a woman on the journey to VBAC needs to hear. We like to think that this site addresses those two complimentary, yet
divergent, needs."
The Web site lets women research the VBAC policies of hospitals near them; learn how to correct problems (such as malposition or pre-eclampsia) that commonly lead to cesareans; get quick physical recovery tips to help after a cesarean; and stay up-to-date on medical research on pregnancy and birth.
New community features include user birth blogs, videos and images; and the capability for users to create their own homepage on the ICAN site to share with friends and family. ICAN leadership also can connect more easily via the Web site with the women ICAN serves. Further, the Web site features a new logo - the logo, and all of the Web work, were completed entirely by volunteers.
"We wanted our site to be easy for the average woman recovering from surgery and caring for a newborn to find the info they needed quickly and easily," Webmaster Melissa Collins said. "One of my favorite features is the online social community that is safe for moms planning a VBAC or just wanting to avoid. I'm really excited to watch this new community grow."
This new Web site comes after research in 2007 by the National Center for Health Statistics showed the cesarean rate reaching a record high of 31.1 percent. Further, a CDC report indicated the maternal death rate rose for the first time in decades and Consumer Reports includes a cesarean in its list of "10 overused tests and treatments." Other research from 2007 cites a VBAC continues to be a reasonably safe birthing choice for mothers. And while studies indicate a VBAC is a viable option, women often have difficulty finding a health care provider who encourages a VBAC - which is where one of the site's new features comes into play.
"The most useful tool for women is probably the Hospital VBAC Ban
information," Collins said. "Women can look up the hospitals near them and find out their VBAC policy and if any doctors are actually available to attend them. It is getting difficult for so many women to find a VBAC supportive provider and this is one way to make that a little easier for them."
[i]Mission statement: ICAN is a nonprofit organization whose mission is to improve maternal-child health by preventing unnecessary cesareans through education, providing support for cesarean recovery and promoting vaginal birth after cesarean. There are more than 94 ICAN Chapters across North America, which hold educational and support meetings for people interested in cesarean prevention and recovery. [/i]
Site features easy navigation, community resources
REDONDO BEACH, CA, February 7, 2008 - The International Cesarean Awareness Network launches a new, user-friendly Web site today in an effort to further the group's outreach efforts.
"The new Web site will make an impact in the battle against the growing cesarean statistics by providing information to moms, challenging them to take responsibility for their births and providing a safe community for moms to heal" ICAN President Pam Udy said. "This will give women the tools they need to make educated decisions about their births - because this isn't about statistics. It's about every mom and every baby getting the safest birth possible."
Easy navigation is a key feature of this Web site, which has been in the works since July when ICAN Board Members recognized the need for a more user-friendly Web site. (The Web site can be found at www.ican-online.org)
Site viewers will find information separated into five categories:
Pregnancy, Recovery, VBAC, Advocacy and Community.
"In our daily advocacy work, we saw a clear mandate for a site that was simple to navigate, simple to understand and full of easy-to-access information for the woman avoiding a cesarean, recovering from a cesarean or on her journey to VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean)," Laureen Hudson, ICAN Publications Director said. "ICAN interacts with women on very different journeys -- the messages a pregnant woman needs to hear to avoid a cesarean are not the same messages a woman on the journey to VBAC needs to hear. We like to think that this site addresses those two complimentary, yet
divergent, needs."
The Web site lets women research the VBAC policies of hospitals near them; learn how to correct problems (such as malposition or pre-eclampsia) that commonly lead to cesareans; get quick physical recovery tips to help after a cesarean; and stay up-to-date on medical research on pregnancy and birth.
New community features include user birth blogs, videos and images; and the capability for users to create their own homepage on the ICAN site to share with friends and family. ICAN leadership also can connect more easily via the Web site with the women ICAN serves. Further, the Web site features a new logo - the logo, and all of the Web work, were completed entirely by volunteers.
"We wanted our site to be easy for the average woman recovering from surgery and caring for a newborn to find the info they needed quickly and easily," Webmaster Melissa Collins said. "One of my favorite features is the online social community that is safe for moms planning a VBAC or just wanting to avoid. I'm really excited to watch this new community grow."
This new Web site comes after research in 2007 by the National Center for Health Statistics showed the cesarean rate reaching a record high of 31.1 percent. Further, a CDC report indicated the maternal death rate rose for the first time in decades and Consumer Reports includes a cesarean in its list of "10 overused tests and treatments." Other research from 2007 cites a VBAC continues to be a reasonably safe birthing choice for mothers. And while studies indicate a VBAC is a viable option, women often have difficulty finding a health care provider who encourages a VBAC - which is where one of the site's new features comes into play.
"The most useful tool for women is probably the Hospital VBAC Ban
information," Collins said. "Women can look up the hospitals near them and find out their VBAC policy and if any doctors are actually available to attend them. It is getting difficult for so many women to find a VBAC supportive provider and this is one way to make that a little easier for them."
[i]Mission statement: ICAN is a nonprofit organization whose mission is to improve maternal-child health by preventing unnecessary cesareans through education, providing support for cesarean recovery and promoting vaginal birth after cesarean. There are more than 94 ICAN Chapters across North America, which hold educational and support meetings for people interested in cesarean prevention and recovery. [/i]
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
He loves me!
I've always wanted an anniversary band to go with my wedding ring. I dreamed of getting channel-set blue sapphires and diamonds, but decided over the years I would settle for a plain gold band. Terry has bought me other rings and jewelry, but it's never been the "dream" piece for me. And it's never been an anniversary band.
A department store is closing in Riverdale, and everything is significantly discounted. I found my dream ring, and couldn't buy it then and there because that wouldn't be fair to Terry--it is a wedding ring addition. The clerk kept commenting on how well it matched my wedding ring, and wasn't supposed to save anything--but she set it behind the counter for me. So I got home and emailed Terry with the price and discount, sent him a picture I found online of a ring similar, and then called him.
He said it was okay!!!! I piled the kids back in the car and claimed my ring!!!!!! I love it. :) It's beautiful, and it's so worth the 6 year wait! I'll add pictures later. Plus it fit my finger right away--what are the chances of THAT?
A department store is closing in Riverdale, and everything is significantly discounted. I found my dream ring, and couldn't buy it then and there because that wouldn't be fair to Terry--it is a wedding ring addition. The clerk kept commenting on how well it matched my wedding ring, and wasn't supposed to save anything--but she set it behind the counter for me. So I got home and emailed Terry with the price and discount, sent him a picture I found online of a ring similar, and then called him.
He said it was okay!!!! I piled the kids back in the car and claimed my ring!!!!!! I love it. :) It's beautiful, and it's so worth the 6 year wait! I'll add pictures later. Plus it fit my finger right away--what are the chances of THAT?
Monday, February 4, 2008
Competition Nerves
So our church is having an "Alpine Preview" (read: Audition) for their band. I mentioned it in my keyboard post. I've been practicing and have felt fairly confident. I've recorded myself playing and have been surprised that I sounded better than I realized. I've been playing along with the band on the CD and feel like I'm getting the hang of the guitar "riffs" (is that the word?) I'm even exploring comping a little bit, rather than melody line or just chords!
So today the worship leader emailed a schedule for who is auditioning at what time, and the list is very long. I recognized some names on there, which is cool, and also looked for who else might be a keyboard player. I saw one person's name and I highly suspect (in other words, I don't really know) that she is a pianist. Probably of the classical persuasion, and probably very good. Do you read all the probably and suspects? Why do I allow that to screw me?
So I all of a sudden am very nervous, realizing the high interest in this band. My nerves are shot. And from experience, I know that I can play a piece very well, for instance accompanying a choir, in private. When I have an audience, I fall completely apart. I can't stand the pressure. I've been so excited about this, and now I'm just terrified. I don't want to embarrass myself or disappoint certain people with high expectations. Is this Satan sneaking in and telling me I'm not good enough, never will be?? Gosh, is that a familiar voice. How do I overcome this? I'm going to just keep handing it to Jesus. And practicing.
And the truth is, I really just want to serve God. Yes, I'm excited about the prospects of playing piano again and yes, I will feel a bit proud if the band wants me. And yes, I'll be hurt if I can't be used in this manner. But from a "kingdom" viewpoint, there are so many paths I can take to serve God. And if I ultimately can't be used to lead worship with a keyboard, I can still sing on Sunday mornings with my whole heart. Because worship is a life-style, not just a musical.
So today the worship leader emailed a schedule for who is auditioning at what time, and the list is very long. I recognized some names on there, which is cool, and also looked for who else might be a keyboard player. I saw one person's name and I highly suspect (in other words, I don't really know) that she is a pianist. Probably of the classical persuasion, and probably very good. Do you read all the probably and suspects? Why do I allow that to screw me?
So I all of a sudden am very nervous, realizing the high interest in this band. My nerves are shot. And from experience, I know that I can play a piece very well, for instance accompanying a choir, in private. When I have an audience, I fall completely apart. I can't stand the pressure. I've been so excited about this, and now I'm just terrified. I don't want to embarrass myself or disappoint certain people with high expectations. Is this Satan sneaking in and telling me I'm not good enough, never will be?? Gosh, is that a familiar voice. How do I overcome this? I'm going to just keep handing it to Jesus. And practicing.
And the truth is, I really just want to serve God. Yes, I'm excited about the prospects of playing piano again and yes, I will feel a bit proud if the band wants me. And yes, I'll be hurt if I can't be used in this manner. But from a "kingdom" viewpoint, there are so many paths I can take to serve God. And if I ultimately can't be used to lead worship with a keyboard, I can still sing on Sunday mornings with my whole heart. Because worship is a life-style, not just a musical.
I had big plans today.
Unfortunately, I got a little sidetracked. I intended to set up an appointment for the van to get new tires (wait, just did that, instead of writing about it, I picked up the phone! Go me! ); pick up some yarn to crochet something for a friend's baby shower; actually begin the project for my friend; straighten up the living room; clean the kitchen; buy a mop (AJ tried to mop the snow and broke it outside); deposit our check that finally arrived for the tenants' last month payment on our stupid FL house. . . . . and I've done none of it. Except calling for the van.
Instead, I called a friend to talk about a conversation that occurred Saturday night. I have strong feelings regarding interventions during birth and labor, and another friend is planning an induction for medical reasons. I don't necessarily agree, but I do understand where she is coming from. And let's face it, it's HER body and her labor, not mine. I had just hoped to ask questions that I wished someone had asked me when I was pregnant with Grace. I felt that I had spoken more abrasively and judgmentally than I had intended.
So I called Friend #1 to ask her opinion. She thought I was probably fine and that Friend #2 (wow, I have 2 friends in UTAH!!!) wouldn't take it negatively at all. I ended up bursting into tears (to my horror) on the phone and talking about how out of place I feel here. I feel so often that I'm putting my foot in my mouth and thinking later, "I shouldn't have said that." Because these are people who do not know me well, and I don't know them well. Instead of being quiet, I feel uncomfortable and talk all the more to mask that. Then I think later, "I think I dominated that conversation." Or, "Why did you say THAT?" etc. etc. My friend said that she felt that way her first year here, too. I was relieved to hear that I'm not the only one. I Just miss my FL friends so much--most of us became friends when our firstborn children were newborns--or before. We've grown so close, and I miss that intimacy. I forget sometimes that I can't share at the same level here that I did with my long-time friends.
Anyhow, I called Friend #2 to apologize for putting her on the defensive. She was very gracious, and said she understood where I was coming from. And that she hoped she hadn't been too defensive. I told her that I understand her reasoning and would never judge her for that. She said it was funny that I called, because another girl who had been a part of our conversation had called her yesterday to apologize for the same thing!!!!! So we're still friends. And I'm glad.
And now I'd love a nap. But it's not going to happen. :) Maybe I'll straighten the living room, now that I got all of this out.
Instead, I called a friend to talk about a conversation that occurred Saturday night. I have strong feelings regarding interventions during birth and labor, and another friend is planning an induction for medical reasons. I don't necessarily agree, but I do understand where she is coming from. And let's face it, it's HER body and her labor, not mine. I had just hoped to ask questions that I wished someone had asked me when I was pregnant with Grace. I felt that I had spoken more abrasively and judgmentally than I had intended.
So I called Friend #1 to ask her opinion. She thought I was probably fine and that Friend #2 (wow, I have 2 friends in UTAH!!!) wouldn't take it negatively at all. I ended up bursting into tears (to my horror) on the phone and talking about how out of place I feel here. I feel so often that I'm putting my foot in my mouth and thinking later, "I shouldn't have said that." Because these are people who do not know me well, and I don't know them well. Instead of being quiet, I feel uncomfortable and talk all the more to mask that. Then I think later, "I think I dominated that conversation." Or, "Why did you say THAT?" etc. etc. My friend said that she felt that way her first year here, too. I was relieved to hear that I'm not the only one. I Just miss my FL friends so much--most of us became friends when our firstborn children were newborns--or before. We've grown so close, and I miss that intimacy. I forget sometimes that I can't share at the same level here that I did with my long-time friends.
Anyhow, I called Friend #2 to apologize for putting her on the defensive. She was very gracious, and said she understood where I was coming from. And that she hoped she hadn't been too defensive. I told her that I understand her reasoning and would never judge her for that. She said it was funny that I called, because another girl who had been a part of our conversation had called her yesterday to apologize for the same thing!!!!! So we're still friends. And I'm glad.
And now I'd love a nap. But it's not going to happen. :) Maybe I'll straighten the living room, now that I got all of this out.
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