Thirty years old is exactly 6 months away for me. I know it's NOT "old", but never has it seemed so old than when I hit 29 last December. I've heard people say that their 30's have been so much better than their 20's. But I have enjoyed my 20s. I like feeling young. I like not having smile lines yet.
When people mention birthdays or the number 30, my chest tightens and my heart starts pounding. It's ludicrous, I know. Especially considering ALL of my "mom club" friends are older than me by at least 3 years. And Terry hit 30 umm. . a while ago. It just kind of smarts to know that the 20's are ending. I didn't party them up, I didn't get to travel everywhere, I didn't have a fabulous, all consuming career that paid me actual money. I became a wife and then a mom in my twenties. And I'm so grateful for my children. Becoming a parent matured me in a way that nothing else could have. I learned to be selfless, giving, caring, for my children and my husband and my friends in ways that I would not have otherwise learned.
But to close the chapter of the "20s" is just so weird. It feels like now I have to be a grown up. Now I have to watch what I eat. Yes, I know I'm fat. But I didn't really care in my twenties. Becoming old and having to worry about my heart and cholesterol is not really on the radar of someone in their twenties. Now I'm starting to care.
And I feel greatly the loss of potential. When I was 7, I wanted to be the First Woman President. Then I decided I'd be a doctor. Obviously, I am neither. Instead of focusing on what I am, I've been looking at what I am not. And what I have LOST the potential for. I can never be a fighter pilot. I suspect I can never join the military due to my knees. I can never be the first woman to run for president. And you know what? I don't WANT to do any of these things. But I can't help but grieve for the loss of those "maybes". It's so easy to smugly feel like, "I'm young, if I wanted to do x, I could." But when x is no longer an option, it pains me.
Anyhow, I recommend not discussing age around me. And I strongly suggest everyone refrain from contacting me on my birthday. I plan to ship my children to their Nana and drink until I feel 21 again.
I felt that way turning 21, 25, 30, 35 and again this year, ehich was 37. But I've realized that it's not about what you haven't done, it's what you HAVE done, and Stace- you've done SO MUCH!!! and it's also not about what dreams may or may not come true, it's the fact that you haven't given up and you're STILL dreaming!
ReplyDeleteWould you like me to come visit in Dec? We (you,me, some of your friends) could do a long weekend- maybe at a spa? or mini-cruise?, since said day falls on a Sunday
I think it would be great for all women to be given a chance to feel free from acting their ages sometimes.
luv ya
karen