Going back to Utah

It wasn't until I saw all my friends and family again that I realized how much I've missed everyone. My kids have soaked up every minute with mom and dad and kyle and kellyn. So have I, if truth be told. I've enjoyed catching a movie with my mom, stealing the crossword puzzle in the paper from my dad, hanging out with Kyle and Kellyn. . . joking with them and knowing my sarcasm is appreciated. Usually.

And oh, my friends. . . .
Elizabeth and I have been friends since 1998, when we met as camp counselors--and oh, the drama! of that summer--I was matron of honor in her wedding, and we are godmothers to each others' children. . . Tracy and I have memories that go way back, to before I married Terry and to before either of us had babies . . . .Carin watched Grace when AJ was born and was a sounding board filled with wisdom and grace. . . .Cindy and I used to go out for a girls night, just the two of us, for Margaritas and soft shell crab sandwiches at Port Canaveral--she is the most kind, compassionate person that I have EVER met. . . I saw my friend Hilary EVERY day b/c I watched Alexis, and she has been generous times a million with me. . . .all of our play dates at the park, since the time our first born were just weeks old, our group girls nights out at The Melting Pot and Conchy Joe's and random restaurants. . . It takes time to build friendship like that. The kind of friendship where you can make an offhand comment and know that your friend will assume the best and not the worst. Where you can be who you are, share your hopes and dreams with your friends, talk about your marriage and your faith and your struggles and triumphs. Where you can cry and know that they won't think you're depressed, they'll know you're having a sensitive moment and send you cards that say it's okay to feel the way you do.

And to be hit with all that and realize how empty and lonely I feel in Utah, compared with the richness and fullness of relationships in Florida, has been incredibly emotional for me. And I saw the same in my daughter. She glowed with Alexis and Grace and Gracie and Joel and Collin. She loved having her friends back. And AJ loved playing with kids his age, too. . . the younger siblings. How funny it was that Carin, Cindy and I all had little boys within a few months of each other. How lucky for our children. And it breaks my heart that I must go away again, and we must forge new friendships, new relationships, with new insecurities, and more hard work. I know it can be done. But sometimes, I just want to bask in the security, comfort, and joy of those I already have.